Is my song well written ?

Letitia · Post by **Letitia** » Fri 24 May 2013 22:23

Hello,
I wrote a song in english (I'm french) and i'd like you to read it and tell me if i used words correctly? I don't want to sing sentences that don't mean anything... Thanks in advance.

I SEE

Another day far from you but yet you’re here within my heart
Got hypnotised by your soul Simply want to be by your side
Sometimes i’m confident and just wait to see you again
But sometimes i’m in apnea and i need my oxygen
Just one word, one glance help me to breathe. It’s such little things that keep me going

R :
Cause I see the sunshine in your eyes
I see a rainbow in your smile
I see the sunshine in your eyes
Please don’t let the rain pour in mine

When i’m with you everything’s alright You make ice melt all around my heart
No protection can resist your charm You could rival with Superman
I know you can make me forget all my years alone
I promise i’d stand by you and my love would be as strong as stone
All i need is your soothing presence to deliver me from silence
R
I’m not used to feel so attracted I want to love you like i never did
Don’t really know what to do I simply wish the best for you
Maybe I’m wasting my time thinking my dreams are reality
Maybe I’m waiting in vain but I’m sure that you’re worth it
No I can’t be satisfied with less Oh babe it’s you or noone else
R
I made me the prettiest the most surprising and sincere i could
I can’t be anything else than me and it seems it’s not enough
Be sure of your choice and if there’s the least hesitation
Listen to my voice and to your deepest emotions
These words this song are what i’m feeling. Live from my heart I’m hiding nothing
R

Allan · Post by **Allan** » Fri 24 May 2013 23:34

Most lyrics are not grammatically correct and in that sense your's are as good as most songs.

A small point, apnoea is spelt with an o in it in English, except by Americans.
That's largely irrelevant as most English speakers would have no idea what it means anyway.

Post by **Admin** » Sat 25 May 2013 08:25

It's as good as most modern engish speaking song writers these days Létitia and better than many. Chapeau!

Just one line I dont quite get.....

I made me the prettiest the most surprising and sincere i could - maybe replace me by myself - but it might not fit with the music I suppose. Anything goes really with lyrics doesnt it, as long as it's a good tune?

Did you write the music?
Do you sing? Look forward to hearing it one day.

Pearsonb · Post by **Pearsonb** » Sat 25 May 2013 09:48

I'm not used to needs to be be followed by feeling.

Try instead. I've never felt

Santiago · Post by **Santiago** » Sat 25 May 2013 10:05

Extremely good Laetitia. Nice lyrics too.

Here are the changes I would suggest....

I SEE

Another day far from you but yet you’re here within my heart
Got hypnotised by your soul Simply want to be by your side
Sometimes i’m confident and just wait to see you again
But sometimes i’m in apnea and i need my oxygen
Just one word, one glance helps me to breathe. It’s such little things that keep me going

R :
Cause I see the sunshine in your eyes
I see a rainbow in your smile
I see the sunshine in your eyes
Please don’t let the rain pour in mine

When i’m with you everything’s alright You make ice melt all around my heart
No protection can resist your charm You could rival with Superman
I know you can make me forget all my years alone
I promise i’d stand by you and my love would be as strong as stone
All i need is your soothing presence to deliver me from silence
R
I’m not used to feeling so attracted I want to love you like i never did
Don’t really know what to do I simply wish the best for you
Maybe I’m wasting my time thinking my dreams are reality
Maybe I’m waiting in vain but I’m sure that you’re worth it
No I can’t be satisfied with less Oh babe it’s you or noone else
R
I made myself the prettiest the most surprising and sincere i could
I can’t be anything else than me and it seems it’s not enough
Be sure of your choice and if there’s the least hesitation
Listen to my voice and to your deepest emotions
These words this song are what i’m feeling. Live from my heart I’m hiding nothing
R

Letitia · Post by **Letitia** » Sat 25 May 2013 10:22

Thanks a lot for your replies...

So, i will write :
apnOea
made myself (effectively i made a mistake, and it will fit the music too))
I've never felt, which will be easier to sing than Not used to feeling
As for "one word, one glance helps me" are you sure, because in french we consider the subjects are Word and Glance so we use the plural form. Can you confirm so that I change it too?

Yes I sing. It's not my first job but i like doing it very much. I wrote a melody with it and a colleague is trying to write a music with the piano. I will put it here as soon as it is finished so you can listen to it.

Létitia

sue and paul · Post by **sue and paul** » Sat 25 May 2013 14:55

one word, one glance help... is correct Letitia, but grammar isn't necessarily the most important thing in song lyrics.

On balance I would write 'help'

Letitia · Post by **Letitia** » Sat 25 May 2013 15:05

Ok. Thanks

Pearsonb · Post by **Pearsonb** » Sat 25 May 2013 16:01

You seem to me to be talking about a word or a glance, not a word and a glance.

Where both parts of an or phrase are singular, the phrase is taken as singular so the better choice would be helps.

Letitia · Post by **Letitia** » Sat 25 May 2013 18:29

So, i'll write : Just one word OR one glance helps me to breathe!

sue and paul · Post by **sue and paul** » Sat 25 May 2013 19:12

Quite right Letitia.

Is there a touch of "Les Femmes Savantes" about all this?

Would love to hear the song one day, with 'helps' or 'help'

Letitia · Post by **Letitia** » Sat 25 May 2013 19:53

I'll put a link here (as soon as the music is ready, it may take 1 month).

I 'm not sure to understand why you're talking about "Les femmes savantes", but if it means i could be satisfied with lyrics that are not perfectly correct..., i'll reply that I can't HELP wanting the song to be as good as the man who inspired it deserves. Not perfect, but worth doing my best (even if he will maybe never hear it).

If you want to hear something before this song, you can listen to my Youtube channel. Here is Hotel California:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iAlkmRVim8

Thanks again for your help.

Sue · Post by **Sue** » Sat 25 May 2013 20:14

Lovely voice Letitia. I would love to hear more.

Letitia · Post by **Letitia** » Sat 25 May 2013 20:36

Thank you. When you're at the page of Hotel California you just have to click on my channel's name to hear more ( english and french songs and even some of mine, only in french).

Sue · Post by **Sue** » Sat 25 May 2013 20:37

Merci

Letitia · Post by **Letitia** » Sat 25 May 2013 20:39

De rien!

sue and paul · Post by **sue and paul** » Sat 25 May 2013 21:12

..."I 'm not sure to understand why you're talking about "Les femmes savantes"..."

Oh, Letitia, I'm sorry. I wasn't having a go at you for wanting it to be correct. I was having a joke at my own expense because I get very precious about correct grammar, (as in 'Les Femmes Savantes") and could go on about it until the cows come home. I wrote and edited my comment twice before posting, but have obviously still missed the mark! Do forgive me.

I wish I could sing like you - well done!

Letitia · Post by **Letitia** » Sat 25 May 2013 21:24

Thanks. I have nothing to forgive since i didn't find you agressive at all.

I can be a bit "femme savante" sometimes so i just wanted to explain why^^

Sue · Post by **Sue** » Sun 26 May 2013 09:04

You remind me of Marianne Faithful who was singing well before you were born. I personally think you have the voice to sing much stronger rock songs as well as what you are doing now. But hey I dont know anything about music other than what I like.

Letitia · Post by **Letitia** » Sun 09 Jun 2013 17:51

Hi !

I found time to record some music on the lyrics. It's only a test for the beginning of the song, but it gives an idea about what the song will look like when finished. Hope you'll enjoy...

Voir le Fichier : I_See_Piano_Mix.mp3

(To Sue : ever heard the name of Marianne Faithful, but never heard her voice before you talked about her. It's difficult for me to see what reminds you of her when listening to me, but why not?)

Letitia · Post by **Letitia** » Wed 06 Aug 2014 18:18

Hello!

For those who were interested in my writing songs and singing them, here's the last song I wrote :
https://www.facebook.com/pages/DUMBO/66 ... 48?fref=nf

I hope you'll enjoy it and maybe like the page^^

Have a good day!

Létitia

martyn94 · Post by **martyn94** » Fri 08 Aug 2014 19:31

A very late comment. As has been said, very few English listeners would would know "apnoea": worse, it has three syllables -Ap-Nee-Ah, so the lyric as sung would not be understood even by those who know the word. "breathless" is less original, but gets most of the meaning, and fits the tune.

Letitia · Post by **Letitia** » Tue 12 Aug 2014 22:31

Thanks for the comment! I change "I'm in apnea" and add "I'm breathless"!

https://www.facebook.com/pages/DUMBO/66 ... e=bookmark

FORUM